Cyclo-camping

The open road...the fresh air...the purring bike...the tent!
Yes, it's cyclo-camping!

seeformiles on the D1091 a few years back

You have probably seen cyclo-campers somewhere. Remember that stormy, rain-sodden day on some wild, exposed road. You’re snug as a bug in a nice comfy car, heading to a hot meal, a Danish whodunit on the TV and a warm bed. The rain lashes against the windscreen, the wipers aquaplane; trees bend, dismembered branches writhe in the camber. Yes, it's the summer holiday! Suddenly, up ahead, through the tumult, there is a flash of luminescent yellow and a steady blink of red. Roadworks? Emergency services? No. You get up close to see a lone cyclist, shoulders hunched against the torrential rain beneath a Star Wars helmet; dripping pannier bags slouch from a rack on the back holding a sagging, waterlogged tent. A cursory glance back from a sparkling eye is followed by an authoritative, impatient wave of the hand to let you pass. There are more bulging panniers on the front, beneath handlebars supporting a bell, horn, rear-view mirror, Garmin, light, and a map case flapping in the headwind. You pass with a mixture of awe and relief - not the relief that you are all cosy but the relief in that you'd never be seen looking like that! By the way, if that was you in the powder blue Corolla that day – you drove by way too close!

They are often by themselves.

Cyclo-camping combines the joys of the saddle with the joys of wriggling around in a tent trying to find a comfy spot amongst the lumps and bumps of your tent's pitch. If one has to ponder the various travel and accommodation combos available nowadays, how does cyclo-camping fare? I personally would like to drive a particularly nice car over the sizzling tarmac of the Corniches of the South of France while staying at hotels in the grand style. 

Need some more air in my tyres

If, however, compromises are necessary, then I could consider a Ford Focus and a discount on a Days Inn's multi-stop deal.

Forget four wheels and the tea-making facilities - just strap a tent onto your bike and off you go. It really is almost as simple as that. 
I am not a beginner but I am not a vastly experienced cyclo-camper either. I undertook my first excursion to France when I was eighteen, when wheels were made of wrought iron. After some fantastique mileage over the hills of Brittany a pedal fell off a crank and with no spares available for my Dawes somethingorother, I suffered the ignominy of getting buses back to blighty. It would be a 28-year wait for my next event, Toulouse to Barcelona - see blogs.

These pages contain a few reasonably tried and tested tips for the average adventurer who’d like to take on similarly average and reasonable cycling challenges - or even just try a few days scenic days along a tasty bit of coast. The pages are more to inspire with broad brushstrokes rather than to provide specialist technical advice - there are plenty of sites that do that - in particular, Sheldon Browns.

These pages does not contain references to 17,000 mile expeditions across five continents that took three years and required dodging mortar attacks, undertaking do-it-yourself hernia operations, and fashioning replacement spokes out of empty sardine tins. Most, if not all of the gear and miscellany, can be acquired at reasonable cost and most of the rides that will be mentioned can be done with just a reasonable bit of training beforehand.

A few Q&A...

Why do it?

Are you tired of sun blessed beaches, infinity pools, fantastic mountainside hotels with views that leave you breathless? Are you done with Yellow Cabs into Manhattan, shopping on Broadway; Parisian cafes; the birdcages on the Ramblas; sex in the dunes of the Sahara? Are you bloated on caviar in Kiev; the spiced dusk of Mumbai, Bangkok or Vientiane; Mojitos in Havana; all you can eat buffets? Blimey, what a weekend that was! OK, so you’re not tired of them but, just for a change and challenge, take on something different. Forget all that pre-packaged, off the shelf funtastic but predictable stuff. Take on yourself! See if your head and body can keep going when others cave in and get into their support vehicle and dial a pizza. Pack all your decadence into the Dunhill weekend bags and throw them out the front door. Take a trip when you have no idea what will happen.
‘But it is not very sexy’, I hear you say. Well, no it isn’t. A Bentley parked up outside the Hotel de Paris in Monte Carlo is sexy. Dinner party pissing competitions don't give much room for bigging up the municipal campsite at Coutances. 
‘I might get wet.’ Yep. 
‘I hate camping’. The trick is to include the camping as a feature and not simply a chore at the end of the day - even when it is just a chore at the end of the day! Try not to turn up at dusk.
‘It sounds boring’. Hurtling down 5000 feet of hairpin bends with your heart in your mouth and your life literally in your hands could obviously be boring to some.

Do you have to be fit?

Cycling is not necessarily a tough activity. People can dawdle along all day without ever breaking into a sweat. They may never get out of the one gear. On the other hand, cyclists take it to the mountains and put in hundreds of miles up ridiculous gradients in suffocating heat - and then go for a run in the afternoon!
If you are going to go cyclo-camping for a week you could cover anything between 200 and 500 miles. And much of cycling long distances is not just about fitness and energy - it is about the mentality to keep going. 

Over the few months between the bright idea and the cold reality, you will have plenty of time to get tuned up gradually. Start off with a 10-mile ride one day a week, then add two of three similar rides down the week, then put in a 50-mile effort in over a weekend. A short, three-day trip of 30 miles a day on reasonably flat terrain such as north-east France and Belgium (see Western Front, Calais-Dieppe blogs) should be well within most fit people's endurance although the camping gear will slow you down.
If you are planning to get into them thar continental hills and mountains you will have to upgrade to tackling a few before you go. We don't have huge mountain climbs but have plenty of hills everywhere. Britain - apart from the Fens, is hilly. Yorkshire, The Peak District, North Wales and North England have got some nasty climbs; Cornwall and the notorious Millook, Devon, Dorset and the South East possess some very steep short burst stuff. Failing that there are little ranges of hills - Mendips, Cotswolds, Chilterns, Surrey Hills, much of Mid Wales and the borders, and the various Dales. Even towns and cities are hilly. If you are stuck in London then you going to have to make do with Swain's Lane. 

Swains Lane
12.5% plus - tasty

While getting the miles in you can try different ways of feeding yourself. With the massive increase in cycling over the last ten years, there has been the advent of cycling-specific energy foods and drinks. Ideally you'd eat nature's own bounty of bananas and fruit but these energy sources can be awkward to carry and keep. Experiment to see what keeps you going. Check out sites that cover exercise and what to eat. The Prudential Ride100 site (www.prudentialridelondon.co.uk/The_Events  has plenty of training advice aimed at the participants of its ride.

The Kit

Bike
Panniers
Tent
Sleeping bag
Mat
Change of clothes
Cooking kit

These are the basics. You can get even more basic and ditch the tent for a bivvy; the bag for a sheet, and chuck the mat altogether though I’d be checking out car hire and flights to the beach at this point. However, of all the cyclo-campers I have met - or been cornered by - only one deprived himself of these meanest of luxuries (see Geneva-Monte Carlo). He’d also skimped on the change of clothes.

The Basics

Bike

Dawes Galaxy

Speed, strength, weight, quality and design are the swathe variables facing you when choosing a bike. Some bikes are not designed for touring. They have neither the holes to screw racks into or they have one gear or the wheels aren’t going to carry all that extra stuff without buckling. Then, how do you sit: upright or with drops? The wheels and frame have to be tough so it’s going to be heavier than the shard of carbon fibre that Cavendish and the rest ride. But you don’t want a frame put together on an anvil and so heavy you can’t move. The components have to last – brakes, gears, chainset can all be rubbish and seize up: heavy; rustable; bendable. And what about a trike? Or recumbent?

Ridgeback Panorama 2011 issue

There are two popular types of touring bike used for cyclo camping. The tougher expedition version is a cross between a mountain bike and road bike and is virtually indestructible. They allow the intrepid cyclist to be intrepid as the tough build can tackle tracks, un-metalled surfaces and a flight of stairs but you won’t be racing along, what with all the weight and the slightly fatter tyres. They usually have 26-inch wheels.

jamis

The alternative – for the more routine, road-based touring is the classic tourer – a tougher version of the road bike with the necessaries for touring such as braze-ons for racks and, horror of horrors, mudguards. These normally employ 28-inch wheels.

or try one of these

Disc Brakes
If you intend to purchase a touring bike with disc brakes enquire about how you will attach both mudguards and racks to the front and rear dropouts as a colleague of mine has had problems doing so as frames vary.

Gears

No laughing matter - the crucial part of your bike - apart from all the other crucial bits. Touring bikes aren’t speed machines but they can get you up walls with all that stuff you decided to bring along – just about. To cut along a long story short, ideally your bike will have at least two front chain rings and at least seven cogs on the back wheel. You use the small cog on the front with the top four on the back; the large with the bottom four – using the fourth with both chain rings- giving you seven gears in all (not fourteen). Having three cogs (more likely) on the front and, say, nine on the back, might give you ten gear combinations. Small on front; biggest on back (your lowest gear) is known as affectionately Granny but you are unlikely to be feeling affectionate when using it as it is for the 1 in 10’s. To get up a long, steep hill with a full load on you’ll be needing 28 or 26 teeth (the lower the lower) on the front small ring with 30 or 32 or even 34 teeth (the higher the lower) on the largest rear cog. However the combinations on chain rings and ‘block’ on the back are limited by the derailleur gear at the back. These can’t cope with a wide range of gears and if you are going be going up steep hills with your entire world strapped on you will not have much scope for using the bike for a sprint when you take it all off. But, heck, you can cycle on whatever you want as long as you can screw a rack to it. Cycling with a backpack not only gets very painful but can also be dangerous as your centre of gravity is higher up and can render you a bit unstable.

Pedals

Pushing and pulling on the pedals is the most effective way to cycle but you'll be limited to pushing down if you are not attached to the pedals in some way. There are toe-straps, rat traps and cleats/clips, the latter being the most common method used and especially by road cyclists. Straps are often used by tourers. It can be dangerous being attached to a bike – even with straps but then it can be dangerous on a bike full stop. If you have gone for the cleats, practise unlocking your feet with the bike on soft grass, one foot at a time and then progress on to a quiet road. There are dual-purpose pedals with a cleat on one side and a regular platform on the other for urban or fast downhill if you are not feeling too confident. I cycle in town with my right foot clipped in and my left on the flat side. The classic tumble is forgetting you have both feet clipped in at traffic lights and you just topple over onto Ferrari. Get into a routine when nearing stops: feet, gears, brakes etc. Of course, you have to have the special shoes with the cleats/clips. Not exactly high fashion or comfortable off the bike, these shoes are not really intended for lengthy walks and when touring you will most probably have to take other footwear. Some kind of practise would also be necessary with the toe straps. If in doubt, go without the straps and cleats etc - the most important thing is your safety.

For more technical information, try Sheldon Brown's website which has lots of technical stuff about bicycles: www.sheldonbrown.com

Racks

tortec

tortec front

tubus front

There are front and rear racks that you screw to the forks, and rear racks that attach to your seat stem. The latter will not carry a huge amount and unless you offload your heavy bulky bits off on compadres they aren't gonna cut the mustard for camping. 
The front rack may have a rack over the wheel that you could attach a light tent pack, or, it could be a low rider than just takes panniers either side. You don’t want too much weight on the front as it makes safe steering very tiring.

tubus rear

Again, it is preferable to keep the load low. 
The rear racks often have no brackets for the rear light which is likely to have been obscured in its usual position under the seat by the gear lying on the rack.

Water bottle and carriers

Essential.

Panniers

There is plenty of compatibility between rear panniers and rear racks. 

otrlieb fully monty

altura front or back

If you are buying both at the same time it is still wise to ask for advice as to what racks goes with what panniers. The most important feature of a rear pannier is probably its capacity. Going around with panniers half full is not punishable by death. Ending up having to put stuff in a pack on your back is a pain, literally, in the neck. As you are likely to be picking up food and tasty impulse buys from fantastic supermercados or the like you will need free space especially in France when you don’t want to have to break a baguette in half prematurely – terribly faux pas. Side pockets are just very handy especially for tools you might need in a hurry.

Build quality is important as is waterproofness. I always line the panniers with a dustbin liner then put everything into another bag! Water is cruel and brutal when it gets everywhere.

altura  rear - ideal for moving house

The problem lies with the low riders on the front as it can be awkward getting randomly chosen bags to fit. Whatever you do, do not bend the rack to fit the panniers. If the rack fails as a result a pannier can fall off under the bike and cause big trouble.

Handlebar bags

Most importantly, these look daft but can be awkward for other reasons. Some just don’t squeeze in amongst your cables; others have no facility for lights while there are those that have fiddly brackets that don’t like being moved once they are on. 

However, they are very handy.
Such a bag keeps stuff out of your pockets and keeps it all dry and squash free. Some have map cases attached too. A bar bag does mean your handlebars become a bit cramped for the bell and computer and ultimately they are not vital.

Lights

France likes its tunnels. I have been in one that concealed a zigzag and had no lighting at all – so scary that, once out the other side, I had to change my underwear. There are many lights to choose from - the mickey mouse sets from Argos up to the searchlight style variety at £400 a pop. When researching lights it is worth checking out the size and number of batteries they need as you'll either be shelling out a bundle on replacements or carrying heavy rechargables around with you. I have a reflective ankle thing somewhere on the back rack for that little extra in the visibility department.

oops

What to wear?

...and a choice of plumes

roman cycling helmet...

In a helmet: you look like a lemon but, as I say, better a lemon than a vegetable. Make sure it is the right fit and that you can fasten the chin strap correctly otherwise things could get nasty in a tumble.






Comfortable, smooth-ish hard soled trainers and toe clips or rat traps on the pedals, or, cycle shoes on pedals with clips/cleats.

Panelled cycle shorts with anti bacterial cream (Sudacrem or chamois cream) liberally applied on yo’ butt is vital for any distance. Grit your teeth and slap it on before you start and before a sore gets cosy and works itself in down there.

Fingerless mitts are pretty much de rigueur. These are usually constructed with padded palms and quick drying, light-weight fabric. 

The Cycle Jersey is not a chunky woollen knitted garment with a bicycle design. These are at best a simple wicking shirt with a front zip and pockets at the back, quick drying and very light. At worst they are lurid advertising hoardings. I find a light T-shirt can the job though on shorter days out but it will take longer to dry and weigh a wee bit more than a cycle shirt.

Baggy shorts can go over the panelled shorts for decorum and all round good taste particularly when entering supermercados and the like.

Other attire might include cycling socks, which can be an extravagance but are light and quick drying as you ain’t going to be taking a drawer full of socks

Waterproofs can be a hopeless challenge upon the laws of nature. You either get soaked from the rain without wearing them or soaked from sweat with wearing them. There are some near misses towards the high-priced end but generally it is a losing battle. However, a reasonable compromise is a jacket that’ll repel light rain and will keep the wind out. Unless you are really pushed for time, sit out the torrential rain. If you have done a modicum of preparation you will know something apocalyptic is on the way the day before. This preparation can try to extend to the mountain tops but weather can change very fast up in them there hills. Ponchos can provide some protection. Often made of impervious polythene they just need a lot of air circulating to void torrential sweat and are never going to be warm plus they do tend to billow and resist forward motion. Quick showers in hot climates will be more of a relief so just ride through them.

Other bike gear

With the basics covered you can start to browse the intrawebnet in gay abandon.

First is that computer everyone else has got. The ‘traditional’ computer that goes back nearly 20 years is being brushed aside by apps on mobiles. But, while the internet is expensive abroad, the humble computer will be around for a while. It is simple to use and sits snugly on your bar stem and with one quick glance and you'll know your speed.

Mirrors: I have never used one of these. When going hell for leather downhill around big bends and you cut over to the middle to take a straight line you could get flattened by a truck from behind. A mirror would be handy in those circumstances. 

Camping gear

The variety of toys and gadgets available for camping addicts makes it a never ending pursuit of the perfect. Mind you, don’t stand around in fancy bars talking about them, or even think about approaching the subject during dinner parties. Unlike Ferraris or Rolexes, airbeds are not an easy item to big up. If someone tells you that they possess a MacBook Pro, it doesn’t mean you have to tell them you have a Gellert rubber tentpeg mallet. Camping stores are frequented by men temporarily off the radar. They have gone out to Decathlon for the afternoon under the pretence of helping a mate move house or attending a funeral.   

Like most pursuits, camping is perfect for both the show off and the tight wad. 

Tents: Show-offs can claim they need lightness and strength whilst tight wads can say they aren’t taking it seriously. There are two basics:

The tent

Unless you are Ray Mears or you are simply trying to be difficult, you will need a tent. And they really do come in all shapes and sizes. You can cut out a lot of hassle both with the tent and sleeping bag by when and where you choose to go for your tours. 

vaude

Eternal sun and warm nights mean you can get away with a single skin tent. But those kinds of temperatures will mean often hard and stony ground and you’ll probably need a strong ground sheet. Standard UK summer style weather – rain, wind and cold days and nights – can be experienced in most of North West Europe as well, while summer in the Alps and the Southern areas of France tend to be very warm. Mid, Central and Eastern Europe can be boiling and dry. Scandinavia can also boil day and night. In summer months you are very unlikely to come across snow and most campsites in Europe were not built on exposed hilltops and so Everest expedition tents, unless you are the said show off, are not necessary. 
The main desirable features of the cyclo-camping tent are its weight and packed size. Close behind is its erect size. I do not want to share my tent with a buddy although this could save us both a bit of weight. Apart from the simple fact I do not want to inhale the variety of odours being emitted by my cyclo buddy, tents advertised as one, two or three men tents substituted small children for men when testing. Those sizes also neglect any space for those personal belongings that you might like to take with you to enhance your enjoyment of the trip such as clothes. So for a average-sized man with gear, go for a two-man tent.

Some tents are a bit fiddly to put up and will require that you attend a residential training course. 

This is particularly necessary with tents designed by French cubists:

Internal dimensions are also important. Tents where you cannot kneel, even with a bowed head, are impossible. If you are unfortunate enough to have to pack a tent away when it is tipping down, unless you can comfortably kneel in the tent, it is possible to pack all your gear and the inner tent away dry. Tunnel tents often offer very low headroom.

The golden rule of tent discipline in the rain is: DO NOT TOUCH THE SIDES! If the skin of the tent is an inch above your nose when you are lying down you and your precious dry gear are going to get damp. This applies to dew as much as it does rain. Bigger space inside also means more air circulation and, given that you can spent a third of your time in your tent on a trip, these little luxuries can make a big difference. One facet that is of lesser importance is the time it takes to put up the tent. If one takes ten minutes and another twenty all things being equal I could still go the contraption that takes longer. 

Vango banshee

Decathlon, Go outdoors, Snow and Rock, Gaynors and Blacks etc are good places to start - Terra Nova, Outwell, Coleman, Vango and Quecha are normal people’s brands. 

There is always this if you'd like a bit of extra space...

Sleeping bag

Warmth, weight, cost are the variables. Again, as long as you don’t plan to camp in snow drifts a mile up, a so called 2-season bag should do you, or even a 1-season if you're planning to go somewhere hot. If you can get one of these to weigh less than a kilo then you are doing OK. You can spend over 500 quid on one of these with down being the more expensive filling and preferable to the synthetic fillers. These bags will get out of the tent in the middle of the night and go to the toilet for you. Or, you can get change from a twenty for one filled with bits of foam. Incidentally, the sleeping bag was invented by Robert Louis Stevenson. This momentous event was recorded in 'Travels with a Donkey', the book that inspired my tour to Le Cevennes

Mats

Mats are a troublesome item. Without having a Slumberland truck following you in support it is difficult getting a good night’s sleep when you camp light. Some mats offer little comfort at all while some take you on a tour of your tent through the night before dumping you in a corner. Others take you on the overnight tent tour then simply deflate. Some make a kind of shrieking noise that wakes the campsite every time you move. The most effective way to get the best out of your mat is to drink a bottle of cheap wine before turning in. Even if you have a successful night on a mat, if it was, by any unfortunate chance, a self-inflating mat, you will find that, in the morning, the mat is quite reluctant to deflate. These mats were born to be comfy and pumped up and they want to stay that way. Self-inflating mats are stubbornly un-self-deflating and will continue to suck air in as you try to get it out. 

gelert

Air beds would be ideal except they weigh a ton and require industrial pneumatic gear to inflate but you can find them just under a kilo. I guess one way is to practise sleeping on a wafer thin mat at home and you won’t notice the difference - the Ford Focus/Days Inn combo is looking good.

Cooking

‘Give it a rest, pal’, I hear you say, ‘enough is enough.’ Indeed. Is there no limit to the privations to which cyclo-campers expose themselves to? No, 'cos once they've done the cooking, they've got to wash up! Some people just don't know they are born! 
There's no domestic god/goddess style kitchen full of shiny household durables that will fit into a side pocket of a pannier. 

pocket rocket

Even four-ring portable hobs with a grill and windshield are the stuff of dreams. You are going to have to make do with a compact stoves. Compact stoves are much of a muchness – some are marginally faster at boiling than others while there are lighter and even more compact models. It is probably the fuel that is more of an issue. 

sunnigas

Liquid and solid fuel stoves are not the fastest but the fuel is easier to get hold of – ‘Fill her up please, mate!’ The compact, one piece gas stoves are faster but the gas cartridges, what with their differing fittings, can be harder to come by, and without accessories, are not very stable. Camping Gaz are the most prevalent gas to be found though their stoves are not very compact of light. The screw-in stove needs Coleman or Primus gas. 
There are no redeeming features about boiling water in an aluminium pan in preparation for a third night of rice in a row, or, sipping a cup of very warm tea with bits of stuff floating on the top, and so it is tempting to eat out breakfast, noon and night. Another drawback is the food itself. To avoid a nocturnal chorus of unfed tummies' rumblings and gurglings (see Barkage), you will often have to get the goodies before arriving at a campsite as most don’t have shops and French villages rarely have any either. This could mean lugging all manner of jars and packs and bottles up steep, hot hills. On Sundays in France you’ll be lucky to find anything open anywhere after noon. Cooking your own food is cheap and convenient if you've found yourself on one of those rural campsites miles from anywhere. There is the romantic notion of cooking under the stars and that there is nothing like it. Well exactly - that's we have kitchens with all mod cons and restaurants and bar snacks. The miscellany of haute cuisine doesn’t travel too well either. Chopping boards, sharp knives, graters, spatulas, frying pans, blenders, grills are, again, the stuff of dreams. I say the ‘stuff of dreams’ in jest. If you are having dreams about portable gas stoves and cooking utensils you need to get out more. That Big Mac Lardy-Arse Meal is looking better by the second. However, if, as the sky is ablaze with a spectacular sunset and the swallows and swifts dance their pirouettes before you and the honeysuckle drifts on the softest of breezes, you manage to purloin a table and chairs, a simple sauce with pasta or rice with a few condiments can round off the day especially if you precede the meal with the odd ubiquitous bottle of cheap wine or three. Stuffed olives and capers always spruce up a taste-free meal. More on eating later. 
With air travel you need to get all your cooking stuff into the hold baggage as a stove will be treated by some at the security gate as a lethal weapon – the same goes for cutlery. (During WW2 the SAS recaptured a key strategic city from the Germans in North Africa armed only with a stove and a couple of spoons.) A simple pan and lid set for cooking does the job and you can squeeze quite a bit of other loose kit into the pan to save space. Decathlon do a basic set for the price of a large sack of compost and it comes with a very handy handle.

Misc 

Head torch You look like an idiot but these are a top piece of kit. Use them as a headlight too. Most importantly, there are lots to choose from! Blue ones and yellow ones and green ones....
Swiss army knife  and not just for the bottle opener
Lighter
10m of light cord - washing line and/or repairs to tent, panniers etc - and clothes pegs.
Plastic bags and elastic bands - nerdy but necessary.
Tissues - there's nothing like taking a dump al fresco!

A bad habit of mine is procuring the give-away sachets of salt and pepper, and those UHT milk thingummies. A ferry is quite a useful source of these vitals.


Now you’ve got everything you have to pack it all. Keep the heavy stuff at the bottom of the panniers and avoid anything heavy on the rack and ditch the back pack. Aside from the discomfort, back packs raise the centre of gravity and therefore cause instability. If you have gone to the expense of the front rack, put the tent in the front panniers with some other light stuff. Do not have high, heavy loads on the front: lethal. Such a load will make the front of the bike difficult and tiring to control. Keep loads even on each side. During the course of a day you'll be wanting this and that - maybe stash the jacket or get an extra layer  - so have this stuff near the top. And, of course, line the panniers with bin liners then put everything in carrier bags. If all the gear above weighs more than 20 kg you better ditch the drinks cabinet. Now you are ready to go cyclo-camping.

Buying gear. 
I have used Wiggle a lot for cycling gear - the basics - tyres, inner tubes, lights, drivetrains, clothing, nutrition, racks. Wiggle are very competitive and delivery is quick with a good returns policy. Chain Reaction Cycles merged with Wiggle so the gear is much the same. For touring and handy spares Spa cycles and SJS are quite helpful. Evans were out there on their own for some years but now I only use them if I am in a hurry though they do have good deals occasionally and are worth keeping an eye on.
Camping is also well-served with the budget end covered by French interlopers, Decathlon (also good for cheaper bikes and accessories). Decathlon have a big presence in France who, along with Intersports, will be good for essentials including cooking gas (forbidden on planes). The UK equivalent is Go Outdoors but delivery charges and their discount card complicate matters. The once defunct Outdoor Megastore - with 'Stan' - was also very good for budget gear and it may resurface (it has been resurrected as of Oct 2017).
Cotswold, Millets, Ultimate and a swathe of specialist stores such as Gaynors provide endless browing fun. 

The Trip

One of the first things you’ll probably notice is that once you have all of the above neatly attached to your bike it is now particularly difficult to move. But, jump on your beast of burden, let those low gears do their thing and before you know it your legs will be flying around like a nincompoop. The extra weight will make the bike feel unwieldy but it may well be more stable. Some pre-match practice of riding loaded is advisable. You will notice that the gears you usually use for cruising are impossible to turn. The bike will also slow down very quickly when you hit a hill. But, it will take a lot more stopping going down the other side. Before you set off each morning, check the bolts on the racks, handlebars, mudguards, seat etc as a day’s worth of bouncing about and getting all shook up will have loosened something. Keep an eye on the brake blocks and cable. 

Raring to go 

Get out your My Big Map Of The World and delight in the possibilities.

How to get out of GB

My trips have been in France, Spain, Benelux and the western Alps of France, Switzerland, Austria and Italy. I have kept close to home (London) so as to keep travelling time to a minimum – the flights usually take little more than 2 hours.

Ferry

Ferries are also short - or overnight - which also keeps down time wasted on travelling during the day – and are the easiest route abroad. Simply catch a train to Plymouth, Poole, Portsmouth, Newhaven, Dover or Harwich and jump on, or even just wheel it on. Then roll off at Roscoff, St. Malo, Cherbourg, Caen, Le Harve, Dieppe, Calais, Dunkerque, Hook of Holland, and even Bilbao/Santander! There are other ports and destinations that do cars or freight only. The journey on some ‘overnight’ crossings is so short that you are completely messed up when you get there!

Train

Trains are difficult to get anywhere fast with a bike in Europe as the railways at ports on the channel in France, aim towards Paris, while the TGV doesn’t take non-folding bikes. Eurostar is more promising as you can take a bike for £30 each way but you will have to change at Lille, Brussels or Paris. www.seat61.com is a good source of European train info. Rules and prices for bikes vary from country to country. France does not charge for bikes but not all trains take them. Belgium requires that you purchase a bike day pass. Italy charges the adult fare for a bike even though Trenitalia is very cheap. Some local trains in France, Spain and Italy are very awkward to get onto with a loaded bike as the platforms are not level with the coach aisles and vestibules, requiring carrying the stuff up steep steps. Remember that you often have to validate tickets in a, er, ticket validating machine that is not on board the train!

Car

You can always drive some place. DFDS do good deals on cars from Dover. But the further you drive the further you have to drive back following a muscle-tightening ride. You will also have to leave your car some place and can you read parking restrictions in Dutch?

Air

Planes are good if you know you can get your bike on. It will probably cost you. I have only used BA. The problem with flying is that if you put your bike in a hard case it will cost you to get to and from the airport and you will have to store the empty box somehow once you reach your destination. This means unless you can get it forwarded on to your departure point, you will have to return to the airport you arrived at having stored the box. 

I have used a large CTC plastic bag which is about £8 in the post via Wiggle. This protects your bike from light scratching but the logic is that the handlers can see the bike and will not chuck it around. You ought to put pipe insulation on the exposed frame and maybe leave a half full pannier on the right side to protect the derailleur. The CTC bike bag also acts as a ground sheet and emergency shelter!

Airport environs are not usually designed for cycles as most jet-setting, high-fliers do not intend to cycle from Heathrow to their Kensington hotel. Many airports are surrounded by dual carriageways and trying to find a B road can be frustrating. On the other hand they are often well out of town and you can be on your way sharpish once you have figured how to get over that six lane motorbahnautostradaroute! Many airports, of course, have direct trains such as Barcelona, though in London these can be very expensive.

Using your valuable holiday time most effectively means an early start. Toulouse is a good starting point and you can be heading towards The Pyrenees before lunch. Likewise, fly back as late as possible – avoiding the rush hour. Marseilles and Nice are good finishing place and there are late evening flights to LHR/Gatwick on BA.

Bike Express

This is the summer-only coach with trailer from the UK to France and Spain. Though not particularly cheap and the schedules might not be ideal, you just put your bike in the trailer, get on the bus and you’re off. You may also have to get to the well-out-of-town pick-up points.

Where to go?

Roadage

Les Landes

Medoc

Val d'Aosta and Mt Blanc

There are a number of variables affecting ‘roadage’: flat, rolling hills, mountains; remote, tourist routes; A, B or unmarked roads. 
Flat may seem just the ticket. Britain is certainly not flat but nip over the channel and you have Belgium and Holland. Flat can, however, be an eventual turn off for a number of reasons: built up; fast traffic on straight roads; wind; and featureless. Dare I say, it may also be a little boring. You may find yourself cycling through miles upon miles of orchards or vineyards and begin to wonder just how many bunches of grapes you have passed – ‘OK, let’s say 20 bunches per vine, 200 vines in a row, 300 rows in a field, 20 fields...’ Valleys are a nice idea, being flat-ish but can be full of traffic as there is no place else for vehicles to go – the same applies to mountain passes or cols. 
Roads in France, Belgium and Holland do, more often than not, have a space – maybe a metre wide – for cyclists and dead animals (Britain does not have this feature on most of its country roads). This space may have a bike stencilled on its surface or be bog standard hard shoulder. Where available, Google Street view can give you an idea of the road while the terrain view will give you some clues to the ‘hillage’. But, perhaps too much investigation beforehand can take the edge off the element of surprise:
‘there is a totally fantastic view around this bend!’
‘Er, thanks.’

Mappage

Regional Michelin maps 1:200,000 are reasonable maps for Europe and if you need more detail for a particular area get an IGN for France at 1:100000 and ADFC maps for Germany. There are four types of road you are likely to be dealing with: the red road, brown road, yellow road and unmarked (white). Work out a route using the yellow and white with only the occasional recourse to the brown or red (early on the weekends perhaps). The yellow roads can often run roughly next to the busier road often being the original main road. When the yellow suddenly goes up the side of a high valley and resembles an intestine, you might prefer the busier road. Michelin maps are for cars and do not bother too much with contours. Quite often, when you are on a long, steep climb and are dreaming of an ice cold bevvy, you might pass a sign saying:

«CAFE - CINQUE MINUTI A SINISTRA! Tutto il cibo si può mangiare e bevande davvero, davvero troppo freddo - grande se siete veramente sete e stanco!»

A bit of a shock if you thought you were in France, but, translated, it means:

‘CAFE - FIVE MINUTES ON THE LEFT! All the food you can eat and really, really cold drinks too – great if you are really thirsty and tired!’

You let out a big sigh of relief and salty tears of utter joy run down your dusty cheeks; you begin speaking in tongues as you thank the various deities for their kindly provision of such timely bounty. But, hang on a secondo: 5 minuti...for a car! ‘Ok, say 80km an hour, 60 divided by five is twelve, divide 80 by twelve: seven and a half km and I am cycling at 5kph...so that’s nearly an hour and a half!’

Hillage

This is the general nature of the likely climbing to be expected on a trip. There are many types of hills: long pulls of a low gradient going up a valley; short 30% up and down the side of valley; constant undulating over a supposed plateau. Or, simply, none at all.

The same hill will be meaner the later on in the day you get to it. Box Hill, for example, is a fairly easy going hill and does not rate when compared to the normal Tour De France fare yet it is normally the finish for races around Dorking and the Mole Valley and by the time the race gets to 'Zig-Zag Hill' it may as well be Alpe D'Huez.

One pointer to the general hillage are the watersheds. Wherever there are rivers there will be varying degrees of hills. The nature of the river - from a trickly stream to fast raging rapid to meandering sloth - will determine the hillage. If you are going along parallel to a coast you will be up down the sides of valleys.

If you are headed for some of the rough stuff – long, unrelenting climbs – a warm up of a couple of days can get you in shape so a bit of flat followed by some undulations and then you can face the, er, north face of the Eiger.

Viewage

Roadage and hillage combined.

When to go?

The idea of cycling all day in drizzle, putting the tent up in drizzle, cooking in drizzle, getting up in the middle of the night and going for a wee in drizzle, cooking breakfast in drizzle then packing away a wet tent – in the drizzle - doesn’t really appeal. Though looking on the positive side – there’d be no trouble pushing the tent pegs in! The problems caused by the rain multiply. For a start it all takes a lot longer to pack in the morning. Then, apart from a (heavier) wet tent, you’d have to take warmer clothing and more of it as, short of stopping at a Laundromat, you are not going to get any washing dry. You are also going have to pack more enduring and bulky waterproofs instead of something just for a quick shower. 
It is difficult to avoid the rain when it comes but not so difficult, as mentioned before, to reduce the chances by going somewhere with a more reliably sunny climate. Hot sun, however, can leave you exhausted and dehydrated and even ill. Sleeping in a hot tent can be hit and miss and so a lack of proper R and R after hot days in the saddle can accumulate and make a not very happy cyclo-camper. Water becomes an obsession as you always have to have enough - 2 litres maybe - just in case. Up some of those sheltered roads, wriggling up a steep valley, there is rarely a breeze and the going can get tough. And that’s on the high ground. Head into the broad French valleys of the south and it is baking for two months. Choices, choices.

Painting yourself into a corner

The Alps have lots of valleys where the only way forward is up a seriously steep and long climb with no villages or campsites. If you end up in that situation and that is what you came for, hats off. If it wasn’t then you have bungled it. Even if you get to the top, do you really want to hurtle down the other side when you are cream-crackered and it's dusk?  www.climbbybike.com  can tell you all you need to know about the big climbs of the world before you go. You may, in fact, be breezing up all the hills and get way ahead of the route and get to hang out somewhere funtastic for a day. On the other hand you struggle with the hillage and start to fall behind the route – heaping pressure on subsequent days. It is not namby pamby to plan the route of your trip so that it runs alongside a handy railway for a couple of days.

How far? How fast? How long?

Everyone is different. And, depending on the roadage and hillage you have chosen to take on, 30 to 100 miles a day will cover most. This will also depend on when you start and finish. You could manage 14 mph in ten hours in the saddle on a wind-free flat route but you may be jelly-legs the next day. A ten-hour day will probably mean 13 hours on the road with breaks after which you might ask yourself what it is you exactly enjoy about this torture. But, everyone is different. 

Towards Ronda

I have been in campsites, enjoying a balmy dusk with a cheeky red or a chilled Heineken (the continental version is not the same as the dishwater you get in Tesco) and stuffed olives and a tasty dip when a lone rider trundles in, throws up his tent, brushes his teeth and goes out like a light and has vanished before seven the next morning. If you do manage to get into a conversation with these hardcore types it will seem that climbing hills is all they have been doing their entire life and your paltry efforts will seem very fair-weather and bijou. Enjoying a campsite starts with arriving with plenty of time to do so. In early July, much of Western Europe's dusk is as late as 10pm. Arrive at 5pm and you have an hour to put up the tent and have a well-deserved shower, have a nap, cook before slipping out into nocturnal adventures or back into the tent, nicely relaxed and replenished. Arriving, instead, at 8pm does not bode well for a laid back evening.

Aveyron Valley

Some campsites are set in breathtaking countryside – notably the riverside site in La Grave - and there might be stuff to explore or do – fishing, climbing, swimming, sights - and so you might want to choreograph your cycling to allow some enjoyment of the time out of the saddle. Your butt will enjoy a bit if fresh air! Your feet could use some too.

La Grave, Alps

Barkage

This is the general noise to be found on or near campsites – particularly dogs but also nocturnal sheep and cattle, over-eager roosters, night trains, airports, distant nightclubs and miscellaneous rustling, rummaging and crunching etc. It does not include snoring, other bodily emissions or domestic disputes but it does include children if a site has been advertised as providing 'family fun'. It also includes the cricket. I have never seen one but there must be zillions of the darned critters.

Food

Keep eating carbs – pasta and rice; protein such as yogurt after a ride is good for muscle recovery as are fruit and vitamin C; salted nuts or crisps are good for salt, which, rumour has it, offsets cramp. Bananas, which are not only a source of instant energy, contain potassium salts as well. Raisins can also give you a boost and are easier to carry than the rather squashable banana. The amount of calories you offload during a day depends on your speed, hillage and time spent in the saddle. For an easy going seven hour day you’d probably being getting through at least 3500 and, if you cane it, nearer 5000. These figures will vary depending on your weight and your load.

Moving along

Briancon-ish

You’re on the road. It is not actually yellow, as on the map, but all seems just as you planned. You got out of the airport after having absolutely no trouble with the bikes. It is sunny, there's no headwind and it’s a nice 25 degrees. The scenery is stunning and air carries a pot-pouri of intoxicating perfumed scents. The bike purrs along, everything working well within tolerances and it handles like a dream. You are then rudely awakened by the airline representative who informs you that your delayed bike isn’t on the flight that’s just got in either.

So, you are on the road a wee bit later than planned but everything is tickety-boo. All goes swimmingly. Upon arrival at the campsite and, despite the Ice-Cold-In-Alex-style thirst, you must follow the golden rule: tents up then beer. As with a variety of circumstances, one beer always leads to another and before you know it it’s pitch black and you can’t remember where the campsite is. Once you have got the tent up, before you go off to slake that thirst that is crying out for the rasping bubbles of a cold continental lager, remember to zip up the flaps or the tent will soon fill up with all kinds of creepy crawlies particularly the humble slug.

Locks for bikes? I am a paranoid so I’ll take locks of some sort. D-locks weigh in at nearly a kilo which is ten t-shirts! Perhaps Kryptonite cables and a decent padlock will suffice. They are also handier for getting around awkward shapes.

Paulliac

After a delightful night in which you were unable to sleep due to the level of barkage, there is the new day and the first challenge - getting going again. After the rigmarole of packing up (purists may fold and vacuum pack their tents and squeeze them into their a pre-allocated area of the panniers) shared by campers all over the world - from the Steppes of Central Asia to Nuneaton Caravan Park and from times long past particularly the Renaissance - it is time to leave, but not after a couple of extra things the cyclo-camper has to do.

M Check

Before putting the panniers back on, get out your handy multi-tool and check for any loose fittings on the bike. The 'M' check starts at the back gears goes up to the rear brakes (taking in the pannier and mudguard bolts) then the saddle, down to the pedals (and water carriers) up to the headset and anything you have on the handle bars then down the front forks.
Finally, if you haven't already done so, get that butt cream on. 

Oh, I make sure you leave the pitch free of rubbish.

The Hill

Grand col de St Bernard

The talk, the planning and the preparations are over. You've bought the map, read the guide book and even seen a strange theatrical production on the subject. You learnt several different languages, bought a couple of Johnny Halladay cds and acquired a taste for tea made with very warm water and steamed milk. 

The phony war is over: you arrive at an innocuous looking sign post indicating, in customary italics, the Col de Whatnot. 

To motorists the signpost is simply a direction; to cyclists it is a teasing invitation/warning. The italics are suggesting, 'Are you sure you want to go that way?'

The climbs that go on for 15 miles, and average 7% are tough with a loaded bike but are easily doable - assuming you have put in a bit of training beforehand.The only reason you won’t get up that hill is if you give up. Pace yourself. I am sluggish but get there in the end, managing perhaps 4-5mph on average to produce a three or four hour ascent.  Just get into a rhythm – a steady cadence - and just keep going for as long as you can without thinking too much about how much further it is to the top. Don't veer from side to side or you might end up cycling twice the distance!
All you need to know it that you will get there! Take as many stops as you need, drink water when you need to and have some snacks and give yourself plenty of time – four to five hours should do it – take an hour out for a rest and make it six. If you are doing this, you will have presumably cycled before and have done a few day rides. It is unlikely that you would contemplate such an escapade without having paid your dues in some fashion. It is not a race. The riders in the Tour De France do not arrive at the stage finish get on the podium and wave then have to go and put up a tent before standing in the queue for the shower block. The Tour de France is a race. 
There will be characters who will breeze past you on on their shiny featherlite bikes. Vans will be carrying their gear and they probably get out onto the hills every weekend. You will not see too many other cyclo-campers. You are special, adventurous, maverick, bold and stubborn, even if you are quite slow and holding up a bunch of traffic grinding to halt behind you on the single lane, bendy road. I once passed a triathlon coming up the hill I was going down, my bike fully loaded. I watched them in awe as they sped by me going uphill: their taut muscles, their speed, their determination - all after a long swim in a freezing lake 20 miles back down the hill. Then I noticed some of them were looking at me and some even cheered me on!
The only drag about stopping for anything more than ten minutes is the muscle burn you have to endure when you start again. 

Col de Aravis

Enjoy the scenery, stop and take a photos, watch for holes or glass but also keep an eye open for the km markers at the side of the road on French Cols.

11% on the Col du Gandon

These will give you the distance to the top, the elevation at that point and the average gradient until the next marker. Enjoy the pain because, as you ascend the hill, your bragging rights are also going up! The sting is, unfortunately, often in the tail with the steepest bit being the last couple of km.

Tourmalet

Aubisque

This is where your mind over matter and stamina keep you going. The rarefied air does not help as the oxygen thins just when you need it most. Once above 1500m the oxygen, being less pressurised is less concentrated and you'll simply have to breath in more to get the same quantity as further down the climb.
Most of the infamous cols or picos are well over 1500m high and several above 2500m and a couple of 2750m-ish. If you suspect you have breathing issues it might be wise to consult a doctor before trying one of these bigguns out for size. 
The Alpine and Pyrenean climbs' tarmac may be covered with the names of Tour riders and encouragements as they too would have been huffing and puffing as they faced their demons as things got nastier nearer the top.

Ventoux

The horizon clears as you reach the top - more often a bleak plateau spread between peaks and with snow drifts tucked into sheltered ravines. It is likely to be a lot cooler up there so swap the sweaty shirt for the couple of layers that you will also need for the descent. Well known Cols often have a couple of cafes and tourist shops. Take cash as they often don't take cards. The plateful of carbs maybe a wee bit over-priced but hell you're up in the heavens and deserve it and the plate of chips will taste like ambrosia especially with those darned sachets of mayonnaise, and, up in the Thunderthighs Cafe in the clouds is where you'll overhear the stories of feats and climbs and the general derring-do of hardened hill climbers.  

And so to the climax: what goes up must come down.

Ventoux

Before you get going down the other side check everything is fastened; make sure nothing is loose and rattling and there are no loose straps hanging down. I take my feet out of the clips for the descent as I won't be using the pedals for the best part of an hour. Take it easy to start with to get used to the slowing down and cornering of the loaded bike. Most of the hairpins on climbs are near the summit and so you will encounter these pretty soon after starting your descent. The views are going to be staggeringly stunningly fantastico but you really must concentrate on the road and the bends as whatever it is you are coming up to is coming up a lot faster than you realised! I start to get jittery at about 35 mph - I'll only let myself go on a long straight with plenty of braking distance - and visibility - to the next bend. It is as much about what is behind you as well. The rush of air reduces hearing and there might be a vehicle right on your wheel waiting to overtake.

Down to Aosta

As you plummet down the valley, through the hairpins, the cool breeze turns into a hair-drier and the air becomes heavy with the scent of pine mingled with hot asphalt and, before you know it, you have rejoined civilisation a few thousand feet later. And later, in the bars of Bedoin, Bourg D'Oisans, Aosta or Bagneres de Bigorre, while other shiny cyclists talk of their comfortable beds with clean, white, freshly laundered sheets and the huge, soft, fluffy towels of their vast en-suite shower and WC with a shower head delivering a choice of three perfect settings of water jet in easily and instantly controllable temperatures, you simply hold your head up high and say, 'Well, we're off back to the tents,' while waving goodbye and walking off into a sudden downpour. 

There is the good and the bad when you are out there: the tranquil dawns - the relentless headwind. But, when you are back home - down the mine, or have your arm up a cow's butt, or trying to get the printer to work, or delivering a lecture, or delivering a load, or dropping the kids off at school - it will all have been great: the freedom, the self-sufficiency, the feat, the endurance! And, before you know it, you'll be on google maps figuring out the next adventure!